February 15-2, 2024

I moved away from home when I was 21. After graduating high school I started working full time at an engineering firm in the city. I knew I wanted to go to university for Computer Science, but I didn’t know where. The only thing I knew, was that I did not want to live where I had been living my whole life. I look back fondly at the town I grew up in. It’s a beautiful place with a rich history I wish I knew more about. Sometimes I think of living there when I’m a true adult, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea.

There’s a disjunct in my head regarding my Self as an adult. I do not see myself as an adult yet. To be an adult, I must first be graduated from university. Then, I must have a real career. Then, I should have a wife and a child. I do not know how long this list is. I wonder if so-called “real” adults feel the same way. As if they never really grew up, but became old through a process they couldn’t even perceive.

I do not think I fear death. I think I could welcome it providing the circumstances were correct. But I want to create something to live on; I wish to concoct something of value in my mind to put into the world, something that speaks about the miraculous beauty of humanity because that is something so often forgotten today. Perhaps it was forgotten forever, but I don’t think it’s ever been as bad as it is now. People are down, depressed, confused, they feel that life has no meaning. They crave human connection but often feel unsatisfied with the friendships they forge. I know this because I am people. I feel down, depressed, confused, etc, all the time. I know I’m not the only one, it’s a human condition.

Life is suffering no matter which way you cut it, but that doesn’t mean there’s no purpose to it. The most beautiful thing about life (maybe…this is a stream of consciousness after all) is that you can choose, at least that’s how we view it. You can create purpose and use your mind to invent things that others (and most importantly your Self) can look at and say “this has value”. You can make life valuable because you are a human being and you have the capacity to reason. That’s why I think feeling shame in being a human being is one of the vilest evils there is. And I will not hold back because these words belong to me and to no one else. I include religion in that sense, and all forms of rejecting your capacity to reason for an easy out. But when the smirking atheist reads that, I say, you will fall victim to the exact same problem. Let me reiterate, you are human.

There’s a lot of things you can do when faced with the problem of the human condition, namely, the problem that life is suffering. Many people (including myself most of my life) will turn to some escapism. Drugs, booze, nicotine, video games, social media. These things do not decrease suffering, not in the long run. Addiction will seep the joy out of your entire life leaving you as a shell of your former self, even without the resulting health issues. The issues of the mind tend to precede those, and even if your not hacking up your lungs, or drowning in their fluid, or passed dead drunk, you might just feel like you are. My tale of addictions is for another time, however. That should be all for now.